It’s Hell in Africa or A dinner party in deep dark South African Suburbia

Posted: April 18, 2009 in Articles
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

South AfricaDinner last night was at a palatial home in the northern suburbs. It was the usual fare, gimmicky new British cuisine, right out of Jamie Oliver’s television show. We began with asparagus spears on a Moroccan tomato yuck, sprinkled with Parmesan and garnished with coriander and thinly shaved avocado pear.

The guests lingered over a sauvignon blanc, while stuffing their faces with Jamie’s’ latest homage to multicultural cooking, supremely delighted with their sophistication, courtesy of the BBC and satellite television, oblivious to the irony displayed by their culinary taste in contrast with their politics. 

Bored with the conversation about how bad things are here in Africa, I blurted out, over my uneaten Jamie Oliver trash, “ It’s hell in Africa, How do we survive?”

 I said it with all the sarcasm you can muster over a R200 glass of white wine from a Cape farm half the age of my parrot.

My obvious sarcasm was lost on my well tanked up fellow guests and their botoxed wives.

“From your mouth to God’s ears”, a surgically enhanced, crypt keeper in diamante and Versace, remarked.

“Hear, hear,” said the decrepit old fart with the 18 year old on his arm.

The next course arrived.

Tiger prawns, lightly coated in sesame seeds, wrapped in phyllo, fried tempura style, with a Thai coconut dressing and the uber present coriander.

New wine, in bigger glasses appeared.



“Our standard of living is slipping away,” said the woman with the Harry Winston earrings.

“ Have you seen the price of bread?” she asked, half a multicultural prawn sticking out her mouth, its Thai dressing and Japanesey crust, pink with her red lipstick.

“How do they survive?” she askeddinnerparty_1114248c1

“By stealing”, said the young man in Armani.

“Its endemic” said someone.

They all nodded.

The conversation turned, for a moment, to offshore investments, tax and BMW 7 series. I played with my prawn and wondered why we could not just have them plain, without 7 cultures on the plate, competing for position.

I was so lost in my hatred of global ethnic crappy food, that it must have been a while, before I heard the mention of that word.

That word, spoken in hushed tones from Sandton to Umhlanga, with Constantia in between.


Just where the conversation had been before that is anyone’s guess, but when I awoke from my own private world of hatred of over done global ethnic food with no roots, the word de jour was “dreadful”

I heard it, as if it was spoken on its own, even though it must have been part of a sentence. Spoken by a women for whom complex syntax is a feat, even when not ginned up to superhuman capacity.

I watched too, as our, barley educated, super surgically titted up, self tanned, gold clad, fake platinum blonde commentator wrapped up in Vivian Westwood, bent down to loosen her Jimmy Choos.

redwineHer head popped up again, half way between sentence and toothpick, to announce her treatise.

“ When the Jews leave, then you know, it’s too late. Those bloody Jews, you have to give it to them, they know when the writings on the wall.”

“Not so much writing as graffiti” said someone.

They all laughed, except the man next to me, a Judge, who looked as if his face might split if he so much as grinned. He just gulped his wine down and held it out in expectation of a refill.

“Did he hate the conversation, or just his wife”, I wondered.

The next course arrived.

Leg of Lamb, with a tagine sauce, almonds and dates, mint on the side for stalwarts.

Wine changed again, to something else from the Cape, masquerading under a French name.

It was, uncharacteristically good.

“ I found this in a bottle store in the Free State” our host announced proudly.

“And the best thing,  under R100  a bottle too, if you buy a case.”

“Really?” said a fat, bald man with a Rolex and a cravat.

“I pay 300”

“Shame on you” said my host.

“Indeed” , he replied.

“Guess you’ll have to go to the Free State.”

“The Free State, I could not bear the smell of boerewors”, said his wife.

“Rumour has it you are quite fond of Boere Wors”, said a little woman wearing more no 5 than could be imagined.

“Fuck off”

They all laughed.

“ So what shall we expect from Zuma?” someone asked.

“Boiled meat for dinner, and the African potato as the new antibiotic.”

They all laughed again.

A very fat man, with jowls and a hairpiece, almost choking on his food with levity, lifted his glass and said, “The African potato works as a cure for HIV, but only if you shove it up your arse.”

“George!”, his wife exclaimed.

More laughter.

More wine.

“Zuma?” asked the woman next to me.

“I wouldn’t let him mow my lawn.”

grilled-peaches-with-mascarpone-and-balsamic-syrup-500Dessert arrived, complete with Champagne , non-vintage, due to the global financial crisis, you see

Peaches, baked with Calvados, and served with Mascarpone cheese, toasted almonds and a dark chocolate sauce with Triple Sec.

“The problem with Zuma” said a young man, with all the conviction you can expect from the young.

“The problem is simple….”

“He is too African for world politics.”

I choked.

There were nods, between gulps and glances.

“Tell that to  JP”, said my host.

“Yes, JP, what do you think?”

“He doesn’t think”, said the lobotomized 50 year old, over her mountain of silicone, “Just kidding JP darlink!”

I was grateful for the exit.

I smiled, “It’s hell in Africa.”

Just how much time passed between then and the end is just a blur to me. I had promised my friends that I would be quiet.

In my silence I watched as that same boy climbed into the back of a black  Maserati Quatroporte, he laughed, he looked me in the eyes and then it said “Its hell in Africa.”










Hell indeed.














  1. CC says:

    It’s a rumour your’e fond of boerwors??? Here I thought it was fact.
    PS: We’d look far better in that Maserati…They just hate us ’cause we’re beyaaaaaaaaatiful!

  2. sciemennA says:

    Огромное человеческое спасбо!

  3. helefyv says:

    Спасибо вам за сайт, очень полезный ресурс, мне очень нравится

  4. xyyhewy says:

    Вот решил вам немного помочь и послал этот пост в социальные закладки. Очень надеюсь ваш рейтинг возрастет.

  5. komamoc says:

    Что-то футер у вас вправо съехал (в опере при разрешении 1024х768)

  6. zychady says:

    Хорошо пишете. Учились где-то или просто с опытом пришло?

  7. xyebony says:

    Хорошо пишете. Надеюсь, когда-нибудь увижу нечто подобное и на своем блоге…

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